LOVE

I’m menopausal which is loaded with a lot of meaning in that 10 letter word. My symptoms have been hard. I’ve gained nearly 20 pounds in the course of 5-7 years. My hot flashes have been intense – preceded by body panic attacks. Don’t get me started on having difficulty with focusing. Some days I feel as if my mind has 100 tabs open. As with just about anything in life, stress increases all of my symptoms. 

I would never suggest that anyone experiencing this stage in life disregard any symptom. I will admit I was that person who did ignore and I tried to muscle on until I could no longer hide the symptoms. Please seek assistance from a health professional as I did.

 
Once my hot flashes were out of control, I sought out a women’s health group specifically catering to peri/menopausal women. Since going on HRT, my life has changed dramatically. It wasn’t until I was on it for a while that I was able to see how bad my symptoms really were. I started learning and listening to podcasts, audiobooks on the scientific side of this stage of life. All the vague symptoms began to make sense, and at the same time I began to feel overwhelmed because there were too many symptoms associated with menopause. I admit, my understanding is still on a surface level. I would love to dedicate time to learn but can I be honest? I get bored. It started and continues to feel like a job to keep learning all things about my hormones, or diets, the kinds of fabrics to wear, alcohol, how to get better sleep and processed foods consumption. It’s overwhelming! And there are influencers absolutely everywhere. They’re teaching and sharing how they transformed their bodies to be fitter, stronger, leaner than before. I applaud them but a lot of this go get ‘em effort still overwhelms me. Don’t get me wrong, I want what they’re selling. I am very slow at making changes I guess. 

One thing that’s become apparent for me is that we “treat” menopause and I haven’t gotten the sense that we grow through menopause. I have found that we don’t give weight to wisdom gained in this time. I find our practice or view of menopause still perpetuates loneliness. It feels like another thing to DO and not necessarily experience, and evolve.

That’s when I started to think about a simple blogging site. I want to document my growth in the space I inhabit. Remember the 100 tabs? When I’ve had profound realizations, I don’t always have the time to write it out … but this is my attempt to capture some realizations and reflections I have along the way. My intention here is to write out as best as I can (I really hope I get better at writing too) the holes that I see, the wisdom I gain and the sense of empowerment in becoming an elder part of society. We are not going to have the same experiences. Please remember that I’m no expert. If I ever say anything about the physiological aspects of menopause – I will link my sources. My offerings here are brought on by my own experiences and insights. I repeat – please do not mistake me for an expert.

 
And like any other blogging page, you can expect some recommendations on things that I feel are meaningful to me.

So, welcome to my blog … I really hope you keep coming back.

LONELINESS

In my previous entry I suggested that this time is lonely. I hope I can better explain this thinking. Since life turned back on after Covid, I haven’t felt the same. Maybe some of this was due to post Covid symptoms, maybe they’re due to menopause symptoms, I haven’t really figured it out yet. All I know is my interests in what I once considered fun activities or fun social engagements have shifted. I haven’t felt as safe to share openly about these feelings of loneliness because I feel we live in a culture that wants to diagnose every shift as being problematic. I worried too much that it would go under the umbrella of mental illness. I have spent the past 4 years assessing and analyzing myself only to become brave enough to say that socializing (at least the way I was experiencing it) was not rewarding as I am an introvert. My retreat from “social” activities was quite easy and relieving. Once my kids were back in school post – Covid I noticed that there was a rush to return back to normal. It felt overwhelming because the CDC and the government did a great job in teaching me to be distant. So, I didn’t easily take to jumping back into crowded spaces. What came with the world opening back up astonished me. In the US alone, over 1 million people died due to the spread of Covid. And I had a hard time going back to pre-covid ways. Honestly I had a hard time pretending that anything was like before with the significant loss in this country. It felt strange to experience. I didn’t make a conscious decision to explore how I wanted to shift. It started happening for me. I knew that I didn’t want to go to a party, I didn’t want to go to a gym, I didn’t want to pretend maintaining friendships that were held together by a weak thread was beneficial. On a side note, I found that a lot of my friendships were weak. Instead, I wanted to take walks, I wanted to work, I wanted to travel. I shifted in what I thought was worth my time. And 

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GRACE

I am actually a retired yoga instructor. I am thankful for retiring because I never felt like I belonged. When I used to attend events or classes or even teach I felt like a monkey who was performing so I would get a reward. No offense to monkeys. The alignment of my retirement and Covid was a relief. I needed the break so badly, and then I just never wanted to come back. People ask me now if I would like to teach. I still say no. I felt that the “art” of teaching was missing. I never felt the studio space was creating lasting relationships. And I’m not talking about with each other, I’m talking about the student with their own bodies. I would offer so many scenic routes to feel one’s own body parts and then I would inevitably have a student who would ask “Where do I put my hands and feet”? Some days I would sigh within and see how we were living very different moments and then other days I wanted to ask “Who gives a fuck”? But more times I would just answer and then go back to teaching basics. I never felt I captured the students that were ready to move past basics. There were very few students like that. But when I did I felt heard and validated. I tried so hard to be authentic. What did that mean? I didn’t bullshit. I didn’t try to regurgitate what I didn’t understand myself. Trust me when I say that there are more people who still do not understand and have huge followings. It seemed like it eas a requisite – say things you don’t understand and then build a large audience. I never understood the attraction. I used to drive long distances to learn from these people and the majority of the time I would walk away feeling like “that’s it”? I know I’m rambling, what does this have to do with Grace? Well I now realize how hard I was on myself. And I allowed others to be that hard on me. I had little compassion to give to myself. I knew so much more than many instructors. I never allowed myself to be found out. Now I do yoga once a week and I go to an instructor who I can clearly see feels less certain to go beyond their comfort. When I did show up, I could sense the instructor’s jitters. But I keep showing up. Why? Because I actually get something from it. This instructor’s class is also outside of my own comfort zone. And I genuinely appreciate how we allow ourselves to be “seen” this way.  This is what I define as grace as it relates to the physical practice of yoga. 

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RESOLVE

Now I am going to whine a little. I have been trying to take the slow route to losing weight. The problem is in order for me to get there it required me to walk or step 15,000+ and then eat so little. I do have to work somehow. I know there are more efficient ways to work out – but if I had my way it would involve me doing my daily deeds on foot. The thing is I can’t. The only way to get those kinds of steps in on a daily basis is to be on a sightseeing tour. And well the US isn’t built in a way to sightsee your day to day activities. And my interest in a gym is zero. So I have a treadmill in my basement. I do my hamster wheel walk on there. I would say I average about 6-8,000 steps. Some days are better than others but I don’t think I get that much more. And then I have been eating as a vegan for close to 8 weeks now. My weight has gone in the other direction and I am losing my mind. How can I gain weight being a vegan? The reason why I approached my diet this way is because I was sick of swelling and bloating. The inflammation on my face was angering. My nose and eyes were always puffy. I had been trying to do the whole high protein shit diet. And honestly I felt like my body was working overtime to digest. So, I cut out dairy, egg and meat fully. And I don’t even feel like I want to have any of that just yet. The one thing I allow myself to have is honey. I do love it so much. It has been difficult including protein through a plant based diet. I am definitely not getting the protein levels as is possible with a carnivorous diet. But my inflammation that is visible on the outside has subsided significantly. But losing weight? Impossible. And I am absolutely angry. I know my body is a temple and all that stuff – but truth be told I want to be thin again. I’m definitely not anywhere near fat – but I am no where near where I was 5 months ago. I am absolutely angry that I can watch my husband eat all the shit he wants, drink beer and then lose weight by doing old people weight lifting. These are the automated circuits that will measure your weight and your progress while you “exercise”. I have read all the “reasons” and have been told all the steps I can take – but honestly I don’t want to hear it anymore. What I hear is “You’re doing EVERYTHING wrong.” It seems I can’t even plant based right. And my desire to be thinner is so strong that I feel hurt. I am just sad about that. I want to wear certain styles (fits) that I can’t. So I gravitate to baggier stuff. I do this because if I start feeling bloated, then I’m not being squeezed. I don’t know what I’m resolving. I am trying to get there … but if I am even more honest – this strong desire to get the weight under control has more to do with my surroundings going absolutely bananas. I’m not talking about my immediate surroundings – I’m talking about the horrors happening daily. And my weight is directly tied to wanting to have some kind of control over something. I want to stick it to the women who are weight lifting (cuz honestly there’s no way all that is happening 1 hour 3-4 times a week as many social media accounts say). I know I can’t control what is happening. But I also know that looking away has led to all the horrible shit going on. Our kids are watching us watching and then either choosing to engage or choosing to say or do nothing. If I have any sway, can I ask (rhetorically) do you find yourself paying attention? Are you interested in paying attention to your surroundings outside of your immediate circle? If so, do you have a practice of expanding that? If not, why? What keeps you from thinking about something or someone outside of you? I don’t mean that as an insult honestly. If that is how it is received – please know it has more to do with my inelegant phrasing than my intention. So back to my worst issue, I will still keep on working on it. I am going to try and break daily my

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Hormone Replacement Therapy – a review about an influential doctor

Hormone Replacement Therapy – a review about an influential doctor. 

Concept – realization on the medical community and their impact on menopause. While I thank them for turning their attention to addressing health issues, I feel like they are to blame for so much of the problem. Please know that I am singling out medical community only in the area of those that deal with it day to day – I am not taking those that have manipulated the medics/research community off the hook either. More of them are scum. I actually don’t think doctors are. But I will pick a bone with them in this way. Why do you create the health problems and then when you fix them you still want a piece of the cash pie? Your model still puts you on top while you need us to be sick and then willing to pay for your services. For example, how many social media accounts are out there belonging to doctors where they dangle a little piece of their knowledge and then hook you into buying their solution? Why not give it for free? If it’s a diet, it was likely not part of your schooling, so why are you trying to by to make more money off of me? Why are you selling me the vitamins? I listened to a conversation with Dr Mary … , on YouTube. She’s the founder of the Galveston diet and she is absolutely great. I have learned a lot from her with the little clips, or reels she will add to her account but this episode was making me angry as I listened to her. She spoke about her background being in ob/gyn and then she revealed some of her schooling days and then her practice in her specialty. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to get focus on me in picking on her. I need her. I want her to continue to do the work she’s doing. But she got to a certain point in the interview where she openly said that she was not a good menopause doctor provider. She talked about their internal code for a menopausal woman who came in when she was on rotation during clinical hours and their code for a menopausal woman was WW. It means whiny woman. She knows now how awful it was to test someone that way – why? Because she’s a menopausal woman now herself. She speaks about the healthcare community falling short, why is she trying to make up for it by coming up with her own brand of collagen, her own diet, and her own … why not give it out of the kindness of your heart? I mean the diet – if you knew you weren’t a good provider, why can’t you give the diet away? Those women suffered. One of them was my own mother. She hot flashed for over 10 years. She was treated like she knew nothing and needed to just do x, y, z. And guess what? I was one of this treating her that way. You know what? I don’t want to treat her that way anymore. You can’t talk about the system being short sighted and then hide behind it like you were never part of the system. You’re now just tweaking the system to make you look like a savior with much needed knowledge. And then use the exact same model of the system to gain from your mistakes. Ahem Biden – this is why you lost your re-election bid. If you think I am picking on women alone please know I can do with with men. It just so happens that I am pissed about a topic that i am actually living. And i feel like my worth sometimes is attached to how much anyone can make off of me. And that’s just cruel. Again I cannot emphasize this enough – this woman has not made my life worse … I just want her to recognize that she’s taking more from people because she portrays herself as if she’s an innocent bystander in areas of research. It took her going through the stage of menopause to recognize how much value there is studying women’s health. Please just recognize how you contributed to the system. You are not a victim – yes she does not say it outright …her argument sets it up so that she can demonize it and then use her demonization as the argument to gain from it. 

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Hello world!